Why Your Mind Feels Trapped (And How to Find Mental Freedom as a Parent)

QUICK SUMMARY:
Most of us are parenting with minds that are either enslaved to survival patterns or exhausted from trying to control our thoughts. But there's a third way: learning to live FROM the freedom that's already ours in Christ—so we can create homes where our children experience that same freedom.

You'll discover…

Which "door" your mind is living in, why you can't give your children what you haven't received, and why recognition is the first step toward the mental freedom your family needs.

An open gate from shadow into light—a picture of the mind set free.

Key Takeaways

1. Your mind lives in one of three doors: Door #1 (slave to survival patterns), Door #2 (trying to master your thoughts through control), or Door #3 (living FROM union with Christ). Most parents move between Door #1 and Door #2 without realizing there's a third option—and without realizing they're passing these patterns to their children.

2. Door #2 uses Door #1's weapons: When we try to master our minds through fear, shame, and control, we use the same tools that enslaved us in the first place. Religious striving is still striving—and we can't create relational safety for our children while our own minds are captive to Door #2 thinking.

3. Mental freedom is accessed, not achieved: Door #3 isn't about thinking better thoughts through willpower. It's about living FROM the mind of Christ that's already yours, asking "Father, what are we doing together?" instead of "How do I fix this?"—and modeling that freedom for your children.

Introduction

"Survival mode isn't a weakness per se. It's the body and brain doing what God designed them to do in crisis... But it was never supposed to become a lifestyle. It was meant to be a temporary shelter, but not a permanent address. And yet that's exactly what happens when we mistake self-protection for emotional and spiritual maturity. Over time, without even realizing it, we stop healing and start bracing for more impact."
— Christopher Cook

Before we knew Jesus, many of us were slaves—to our wounds, our need for approval, our fear, our survival patterns. Our minds were captive, running software written by pain and unmet needs.

Then, we tried to master our minds. We read the right books, memorized the right verses, and tried harder to "take every thought captive." We used the same tools that enslaved us: fear, shame, control, and relentless self-critique. We thought mastering ourselves meant we were free.

It didn't.

There's a third story our minds can live in—not slave, not master, but child. A child of God, living in union with Him, whose mind is being renewed not through striving but through relationship. This is the invitation of what we call the LIFE instrument at John 15 Academy: not to achieve mental freedom through better effort, but to access the freedom that already exists in Christ.

But first, we have to understand how our minds got captured in the first place.

At John 15 Academy, we talk about three instruments that shape our experience in all three doors: atmosphere (the relational air you breathe), discipline (the training in habits of survival, striving, or freedom), and life (the thoughts, ideas, and truths forming your mind). We've explored atmosphere and discipline in previous articles. This is the first in a series diving deep into the LIFE instrument—because you can't create a Door #3 home if your mind is still captive to Door #1 and Door #2 thinking.

Door #1: When Your Mind Became a Slave

We inherit operating systems from our family of origin. When our needs are met consistently—not perfectly, but consistently—we develop the capacity to live free. Our nervous systems learn that the world is safe enough, relationships are trustworthy enough, and we are worthy enough.

But when our needs go unmet, our minds adapt. We create survival patterns: How do I stay safe? How do I get love? How do I avoid pain? The body makes these neural pathways efficient. What starts as a crisis response becomes our default operating system.

I know this personally. My primary survival strategies were silence and people-pleasing. I learned to deny my own needs—not consciously, but instinctively. I didn't ask for help, comfort, or guidance because my nervous system had learned that my needs didn't matter or wouldn't be met. Instead, I focused on taking care of others' needs, hoping I could earn the care I desperately needed but didn't know how to ask for.

My body made these patterns efficient. Stay quiet, stay small, make yourself useful—and maybe you'll be safe. Maybe you'll be loved.

Survival strategies look different for each of us. I know a young adopted boy whose primary coping strategy is rage. When he's overwhelmed, his body mobilizes anger so efficiently he can go from calm to explosion in seconds. My strategy was the opposite—silence and self-erasure. But both are the same thing: patterns that once protected us but now keep us from genuine connection.

This is Door #1: the mind as slave. We're captive to fear, to survival mode, to patterns we didn't choose but can't seem to escape.

Christopher Cook names it perfectly: "Survival builds systems whereby control becomes safety and convenience becomes your oxygen. In survival mode, predictability becomes self-protection." What helped us survive as children becomes the prison we live in as adults.

And here's the tragedy:

We mistake survival mode for normal. We think this is just how our minds work, how life is, how we're supposed to be. We wake up every day in fight-or-flight, managing triggers, avoiding pain, trying desperately to keep our heads above water.

Our thoughts feel intrusive, overwhelming, and uncontrollable. We're trapped in mental chaos—consumed by fear, replaying past wounds, and catastrophizing future scenarios. The emotional experience is one of helplessness and reactivity. We're just trying to survive the day.

In Door #1, God feels distant—if He's there at all. Our relationship with Him is shaped by survival instinct: either He's punishing us (more threat to survive) or He's absent (we're on our own). The primary question driving our minds is always the same: "How do I survive this?"

Cook describes the cost: "The tragedy of unresolved trauma is that it teaches us that anything unfamiliar is unsafe and anything risky is irresponsible. And so what do most of us do? We begin to live, not under the shadow of the Almighty, but under the shadow of fear.”

We're slaves to mental captivity. And most of us don't even know it—because bondage is all we've ever known.

Door #2: When You Tried to Master Your Mind

So we try to fix it. We try to master our minds using the same weapons that enslaved us.

We shame ourselves for not thinking better thoughts. We fear our own emotions. We control our mental intake with rigid rules. We punish ourselves when we fail. We perform for God, for others, for ourselves—hoping that if we just think the right way, we'll finally be free.

This is Door #2: the mind as master. We're trying to control our thoughts, manage our emotions, and think our way to freedom. But we're using fear, shame, and striving—the very tools that enslaved us in Door #1.

My mother lived this story. She was 72 when she died of an overdose—not her first suicide attempt, but her last. The shame that was the foundation of the religious system she tried to survive in required her to be good in ways her hurts wouldn't allow.

Mental illness is what sometimes happens when your pain and your performance goals don't get along.

She didn't have the words to say, "I know I'm not being good to you right now and I know it's because I'm hurting. My hurt is not an excuse for my behavior and I'm truly sorry. I'm going to take some time and get some help to heal my hurts so I can be good to you."

The religious system she knew kept her working on her thirst while keeping her away from the water. She knew the rules. She knew the theology. She knew what she was supposed to think. But her mind was still captive—now not just to Door #1 survival patterns, but to Door #2 performance pressure.

In Door #2, our view of thoughts becomes rigid: they must be managed, corrected, and perfected. We white-knuckle our way through mental discipline. "Take every thought captive" becomes a weapon we use against ourselves. The emotional experience shifts from chaotic helplessness to exhausting vigilance. We're striving, always striving—and it's never enough.

Our relationship with God becomes transactional: "If I think right, He'll approve. If my mind wanders, I'm failing Him." The primary question changes from "How do I survive?" to "How do I fix this? How do I control this?"

We're trying to achieve identity through our mental performance. We're proving we're good by thinking good thoughts. And when we fail—which we inevitably do—shame spirals keep us locked in the cycle.

Here's what we don't realize: We can't create relational safety for our children while our own minds are captured. We can't give them Door #3 freedom if we're still living in Door #1 chaos or Door #2 striving.

The tools of Door #2—fear, shame, control, punishment—are the same tools that enslaved us in Door #1. We've just turned them inward. We thought we were becoming free. We were only becoming our own slave masters.

Door #3: The Mind as a Child

But what if there's a third way?

What if God isn't asking us to master our minds, but inviting us to live as His children—in union with Him, where mental freedom isn't something we achieve but something we access?

Graham Cooke puts it this way: "Learning to live FROM oneness with Christ instead of trying to achieve it has transformed my daily walk with God."

Living FROM instead of living TOWARD changes everything.

In Door #2, we ask: "What do I need to think to become free?" We're living TOWARD mental freedom, trying to achieve it through better thoughts.

In Door #3, we ask: "What does it look like to think FROM the freedom that's already mine in Christ?" We're living FROM union with God, accessing the mind of Christ that's already ours.

Remember the Israelites receiving what we now call the "ten commandments"? They'd been slaves for generations. When God gave them the ketubah—the marriage proposal—they could only hear it as rules and restrictions. Why? Because slavery was their mental operating system.

But what if those weren't commandments at all? What if they were descriptions of what life looks like when your mind is free?

"In our new world, the strong protect the weak. Your stuff is safe. Your body is safe. Rest is protected. There's enough."

The Israelites couldn't comprehend it. Slaves don't know how to think like free people. They'd been set free, but they didn't know how to live free. The same struggle continues today.

I'm learning that I don't have to earn care anymore—it's already mine. The boy I know who responds with rage is learning that he doesn't have to fight for safety anymore—it's already his. But learning to live FROM that truth instead of TOWARD it? That's the journey of Door #3.

We've been set free in Christ, but our minds are still running Door #1 and Door #2 software. We need more than new information. We need a new operating system.

In Door #3, our view of thoughts transforms entirely. Instead of controlling or perfecting them through our own effort, we partner with God to curate and renew them through relationship. Thoughts become something we tend, not something we master.

The emotional experience shifts from exhaustion to peace, from vigilance to curiosity. We're free to fail and repair. Free to not have it all figured out. Free to learn and grow without shame.

Our relationship with God becomes union: "His nature is already in me." Not something we're working toward—something we're living FROM. The primary question changes from "How do I fix this?" to "Father, what are we doing together?"

What drives us is no longer trying to achieve—it's learning to trust. Trust who God says we are. Trust that we're already enough. Trust that life is for enjoying, not just enduring or managing.

Graham Cooke continues: "As He is, so are we in this world. As He is—present tense, right now. Not 'as we hope to be' but 'as we are' because of our union with Him."

This is Door #3: the mind as child, living in union with the Father, whose thoughts are being renewed not through our effort but through His presence.

The Three Doors: A Comparison

Now that you've heard the story of each door, here's how to recognize which one you're living in.

The Three Doors of the Mind	Door #1: Slave	Door #2: Master	Door #3: Child
Story You're Living In	Captivity—my mind is controlled by survival patterns, fear, pain	Control—I must manage my thoughts to prove I'm good enough	Union—I'm living FROM the mind of Christ that's already mine
Primary Question	“How do I survive this?”	“How do I fix/control this?”	“Father, what are we doing together?”
Power Source	Fear, pain, chaos, survival instinct	Shame, performance pressure, willpower	Love, trust, partnership with God
View of Thoughts	Intrusive, overwhelming, uncontrollable	Must be managed, corrected, perfected	Can be curated, renewed, nourished through relationship
Emotional Experience	Trapped, helpless, reactive, chaotic	Exhausted, vigilant, never enough, striving	Peaceful, curious, free to fail and repair
Relationship with God	Distant, absent, or punishing	Transactional (“If I think right, He’ll approve”)	Union (“His nature is already in me”)
What Drives You	Trying to achieve: Pain relief, survival	Trying to achieve: Identity through performance, proving I'm good	Learning to trust: Who God says I am, that I’m already enough
Tools You Use	Fight, flight, freeze, fawn	Fear, shame, control, punishment	Truth, love, connection, curiosity
Example Thought Pattern	“I can’t stop these thoughts—they’re destroying me”	“I must take every thought captive or I’m failing”	“Father, what’s true here? Help me see what You see”
Result	Mental captivity, survival mode, addiction to pain relief	Mental exhaustion, shame spirals, religious striving	Mental freedom, peace, transformation from the inside out

Door #1: Slave

Story You're Living In

Captivity—my mind is controlled by survival patterns, fear, pain

Primary Question

“How do I survive this?”

Power Source

Fear, pain, chaos, survival instinct

View of Thoughts

Intrusive, overwhelming, uncontrollable

Emotional Experience

Trapped, helpless, reactive, chaotic

Relationship with God

Distant, absent, or punishing

What Drives You

Trying to achieve: Pain relief, survival

Tools You Use

Fight, flight, freeze, fawn

Example Thought Pattern

“I can’t stop these thoughts—they’re destroying me”

Result

Mental captivity, survival mode, addiction to pain relief

Door #2: Master

Story You're Living In

Control—I must manage my thoughts to prove I'm good enough

Primary Question

“How do I fix/control this?”

Power Source

Shame, performance pressure, willpower

View of Thoughts

Must be managed, corrected, perfected

Emotional Experience

Exhausted, vigilant, never enough, striving

Relationship with God

Transactional (“If I think right, He’ll approve”)

What Drives You

Trying to achieve: Identity through performance, proving I'm good

Tools You Use

Fear, shame, control, punishment

Example Thought Pattern

“I must take every thought captive or I’m failing”

Result

Mental exhaustion, shame spirals, religious striving

Door #3: Child

Story You're Living In

Union—I’m living FROM the mind of Christ that’s already mine

Primary Question

“Father, what are we doing together?”

Power Source

Love, trust, partnership with God

View of Thoughts

Can be curated, renewed, nourished through relationship

Emotional Experience

Peaceful, curious, free to fail and repair

Relationship with God

Union (“His nature is already in me”)

What Drives You

Learning to trust: Who God says I am, that I’m already enough

Tools You Use

Truth, love, connection, curiosity

Example Thought Pattern

“Father, what’s true here? Help me see what You see”

Result

Mental freedom, peace, transformation from the inside out

The Invitation

Here's the question for today:

Which door are you living in?

Be honest. Most of us move between doors throughout the day, or even throughout a single conversation with our kids. You might parent from Door #3 when things are calm, then snap into Door #2 control mode when your child disobeys, then collapse into Door #1 survival mode when you feel like a failure.

The goal isn't perfection. The goal is recognition.

Because you can't move toward mental freedom until you recognize you're mentally captive. You can't access Door #3 until you see that Door #2's solutions—trying harder, thinking better, controlling more—are using the same weapons that enslaved you in Door #1.

You don't have to master your mind. You don't have to stay enslaved to survival patterns. There's a third way—the way of the child, living FROM the freedom that's already yours in Christ.

What ideas are currently forming your mind? Are they producing anxiety, performance pressure, and mental exhaustion? Are they producing chaos, fear, and survival mode? Or are they producing peace, freedom, and rest?

You were never meant to live as a slave or a master. You were created to live as God's child—in union with Him, reflecting His image not through striving but through trust.

The first step toward mental freedom is recognizing you were never meant to live this way.

What's Next

In our next article, we'll explore how to move from Door #2 to Door #3 practically. What does it look like to curate the LIFE instrument? How do you actually think FROM freedom in everyday moments? How do you protect your mind—and your children's minds—from the forces trying to capture them?

But for now, just notice. Notice what's forming your mind. Notice whether you're living as a slave, a master, or a child.

Because recognition is the beginning of freedom.

Want to begin practicing intentional formation?

• Read the article: Atmosphere: What Our Children Feel Before We Say a Word

• Listen to the LOVE IS FEARLESS podcast: #155 - How The Story We Live Shapes The Families We Build– a podcast episode about how beliefs take root beneath our behavior

• Explore: Practicing the Art of Being Family — our eBook with real-life examples and simple rhythms to help you live aligned with love

• Subscribe: The Curated Life — a newsletter for families who are choosing purpose over pressure and curating a life that reflects what matters most.

  Let’s build homes where peace reigns, truth is safe, and freedom takes root. Together, there is great hope.